Around the age of 2-3 todlers begin to ask 'Why' almost about everything. It's cute and a bit annoying: Why does the sun shine? Why do people die?
This is a healthy sign of curiosity: they are trying to understand the world.
But when we grow up 'Why' receives another meaning. It's not us trying to understand the world; it's us understanding the world and trying to change it.
'Why' is criticism. Especially when it comes to close relationships.
To our children: Why can't you take your plate off the table?
To our partner: Why did you come home so late? Why didn’t you call me? Why can't you tell your boss you need a vacation?
To a friend: So why didn’t you tell him “no”? (Not to mention – why didn’t you scream? why didn’t you resist…)
To ourselves: Why can’t I adhere to my diet? Why am I doing this to myself?!
Sometimes we think we are helping by giving some kind of advice (even if it doesn’t help now at least it could in the future):
Why didn’t you tell her this was your toy?
Why don’t you rent a smaller apartment?
How the Recipient Hears It
It may be a bit confucsing: somethimes we really believe that we ask "why" because we just want to know:
Why do you think the other children don’t like you?
Why do you keep dating men who are wrong for you?
Why don’t you breastfeed?
But if we formulate these questions as statements, instead of questions, we can hear them the way the recipient does:
You should have taken the plate off the table, you're a big girl now.
You should have come back home hours ago, what have you been doing all this time?!
You should have said a clear “no,” you brought it upon yourself;
I am weak, that's why I can’t keep on with a diet even though I really need to…
You should have made it clear that this toy belonged to you. No wonder they took it;
You have to live according to your means, you are showing off, you're irresponsible;
The kids don't like you, maybe it's for a reason, what have you done?
I need to find a normal guy, I'm so messed up!
You should breastfeed, you're neglecting your baby's health!
Yes, beneath most “why’s” there is a "should" or “have to” lurking.
Furthermore, 'why' is simply not a helpful or an efficient question; mostly there is no satisfacory answer and even the question itself is rarely constructive, it usualy refers to an action already taken or a decision alraedy made.
And if “why” is criticism, it’s no wonder that it usually does not lead to a conversation, because the recipient is offended, angry, defensive, or shuts us out: “What do you want from me? The meeting started late”, or “It's none of your business” or “I don’t know” or, of course, the classic, “Because.”
Yes, we often heard "'Because' is not an answer!", but I'd like to say: 'Why' is not really a question.
Yes, beneath most 'why’s' there is a 'should' or 'have to' lurking. Furthermore, most of the 'why’s' are not constructive; they refer to an action already taken or to a decision already made.
The Fear Beneath the Criticism and the Despair Beside it
Many times the 'why' is not really expecting an answer. Alongside the criticism, there is anger, helplessness, frustration or despair:
“Why the hell on the floor?!” (I told you a thousand times not to paint on the floor, you are not listening to me, I am tired of saying it over and over again and I don't want to clean the floor, again!).
“But why did you hit your brother?!” (I feel like a failing parent, I don’t know how to make them get along).
“Why doesn’t anyone listen to me in this house?” (No one is listening to me in this house…)
But underneath that 'why' – just as behind any criticism we have towards ourselves or people who are dear to us – there is also a need, a fear or a worry:
A need to be heard by my children. A fear that my life-partner doesn’t care for me anymore, so he doesn't hurry home as he used to. A worry that I will never be able to deal with my weight problem, that I will never find love, a concern for my child’s social situation, and so on. These are fears, worries and concerns that we are not accustomed to meet or express.
Want to Know or Want to Change?
How can we tell whether the 'why' is critisizing or investigative?
Let's take a look at 'why's we ask ourselves: why does it bother me so much? Why can’t I change?
Supposedly, it is a deep place of introspection; we go there often in therapy, searching our past or our souls, trying to find a reason or a source for our pain.
But are we really curious or do we have an agenda there: to take away the pain by finding it's source? The part in us that wants the pain to go away is the one asking this question, and indeed criticizing the place in us that doesn't change.
Do we ever ask ourselves: why am I so happy? Why did I find such a great partner? Why does my child have so many friends?
No, and the fact that we always ask about something negative or painful asserts that 'why' is actually criticism.
In Focusing we want to accept all of our parts, even the hurtful ones. We know that this is the way that will allow them to move forward, to change into their rightful form. In Focusing language I would say that something in me wants to move, but another part of me is stuck, can’t move right now. If I ask the stuck part 'why' doesn't it move it would feel – like any person asked 'why' would feel – that I am not accepting, that I'm trying to change it, de-legitimizing it. It would feel the criticism.
Meanwhile, the stuck part won't move. On the contrary: as much as I try to move it, it will barricade itself even more just where it is, holding on to that place. This is how most parts and people react to criticism.
An Invitation to Replace 'Why'
In the process of Focusing, I don’t ask 'why'. In fact, in the process of Focusing I try not to ask questions, but instead invite us to stay with, to listen to.
According to HomeFocusing I don't ask why at home as well. I invite you to try to stop for a moment the next time that the 'why' appears and is about to come out of your mouth towards yourself or another person. I am offering you to check: what do I feel? What am I afraid of, worry about? What is so vulnerable in me right now?
Sometimes it feels right to express my need or my worry towards my conversation partner. Sometimes I just acknowledge it inside and listen to the other person (especially if he or she is a child). Replacing any ‘why’ with something else can spare me and my loved ones these kicks of criticism to the soft belly, and anbles us to create an opening for an empathic dialogue.
For example, instead of:
“Why did you come home so late?!”
You can say:
“I was worried about you, I was afraid that something happened to you, especially when you didn’t call.”
Instead of:
“Why do you think the other kids don’t like you?”
You can acknowledge the panic taking hold of your throat, your desire for your child to be happy and popular, and then just listen. You may say: "You feel that you are not loved in class, it must be very hard to feel so lonely."
Instead of:
“Why don’t you breastfeed?”
Perhaps don't say a thing.
Replacing any ‘why’ with something else can spare me or my loved one these kicks of criticism to the soft belly, and will be able to create an opening for an empathic dialogue